Thursday, 4 November 2010

Flip-flopping

Argh, things are stressing me out and making me think a lot lately so I'm just going to blog about it. Even if nobody reads it, it'll help me to write it done...
  • TRAVEL  I want to travel... I especially want to go to Canada and Japan. I feel like by now I should have been overseas more (I'm nearly 28 and only been to Australia and Fiji, with my Mum or Dad). I want to experience more of the world, and before I get too old, ha ha. The thing is, I get paid bugger-all at my job (especially considering I've been there nearly eight years, and had two years training before that), so that makes it pretty hard to save any money, let alone pay off my debt.
  • CHRISTMAS  Christmas is sneaking up once again (sorry, I know, I said the 'C' word). I love my family, I really do, but having both parents living in different islands and neither of them in the same city as me can make things stressful. I've lived in Christchurch for nearly ten years, it's my home and only once have I had Christmas day here. I feel quite a lot of pressure to make nice things for them... and making special presents for family takes a lot of time. My birthday is also on Christmas Eve, and I would love to be able to just relax in the sun with friends and good food, but I always end up travelling.
  • If you've made it this far well done, but there's more...  
  • BUSINESS  I've also been thinking about this business, Freedom Creative and if it is worth all the effort and time I put into it. I love crafting and love selling my wares, but it can just be so tiring, especially at this time of the year. I started Freedom Creative as a way to do something more in life, to be more creative, to meet new people... I feel like it's made me a better person, I've met a whole heap of lovely people, some of whom are now my best mates, and I've enjoyed learning how to run a business. But I'm not sure I need it anymore. Then again, I can't imagine my life without it.
  • CRAZY WOMAN  I often wonder if I'm bipolar. I mean, I'm generally a very happy and positive person, but I just have really low days. Part of me just thinks that that's part of life and everyone has those days, but another part of me wonders if it's not quite right. Either way, I'm not too keen on asking the doctor about it because I don't want medication for it. I have a relative with bipolar and I've seen how hard her medication can effect her. Instead I just try hard to keep things in perspective and to keep a positive outlook on things, and that works, most of the time, except for when my brain goes into overdrive and I think all of the above.
  • And just finally, if you've read all the way down to here, thanks. Do you ever feel like life is just a little too overwhelming? And I don't even have kids or a mortgage to worry about...

11 comments:

  1. I really believe ups and downs are part of life - you wouldn't have ups if you didn't have downs. As long as you can get out of bed in the morning and get on with life and understand that things do get better you should be fine. I think if you find yourself paralyzed by how down you are that's when it's time to go to the doctors. That's been the rule of thumb with my friends who have had bad depression anyway - they would spend days in bed crying unable to move, in cases like this medication is amazing and has total changed their life's.

    I hit the same sort of thing as you at the end of my twenties it seems mad now looking back, but it was a catalyst for me to change a lot of the stuff I was unhappy with - most of the same things as you. I wasn't really sure what I wanted at the time travel, a better job, creative respect maybe (it's clear to me looking back that I was ready to start my own business but at the time I couldn't quite work this out). This speak change my life it's long but well worth watching when you have 15 minutes spear:) sorry for the essay C x
    http://dearcolleen.blogspot.com/2009/10/manifesto_8026.html

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  2. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this! I've been very up and down lately trying to figure out what I want from life and what i want to do. I'm just having faith that everything will work out in the end but its such a weird headspace to be in. I feel so overwhelmed at times, I'll think i've figured out what i want to do and be passionate about it and then the self doubt kicks in! Maybe the best thing to do is take some time out from everything and figure out what makes you happy?! (and maybe i should take my own advice!haha)

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  3. Great post! Isn't funny how we have started to think that if we aren't happy all the time, perhaps there is something more seriously wrong. I've found that when I feel like that, it's a case of stepping back, reassessing and rearranging life to make it work better for you. Plus, if you dream it, you can do it. Putting yourself out there and testing your limits is massively satisfying . Feel the fear and do it anyway! Man I sound like a self help novel but dome of that stuff us true :)

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  4. I had some pretty dark days as a teen, and every so often that black cloud comes back. Those days I just tend to eat lots of chocolate while I ponder the bigger questions in life...
    A fresh start and the sense of excitement it brings can be amazing for lifting the mood, and even the smallest of changes can help. If you're ever feeling really down and want someone to talk to I'd be happy to lend an ear... or an eye might be more helpful with the written word online :)

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  5. Thank you for being so honest and just getting all this stuff off your chest. I have those same mind worries but have never dared say anything. I have really down days and trying to sort out my own business made me so stressed and anxious I'm on a hiatus from it all to try and sort myself before all that again. It is nice to know other people go through it...and come out the other side.

    I really feel for your upset and frustrations over your Birthday/Christmas situation and your will to travel. I really hope you can find a way to make it all work out for you.

    When I left home my Mum gave me a card that said "We must absolutely do what we love or we risk doing nothing at all". I love that quote because it is so true. Though I quit my job so I may not be the wise owl I pretend to be!

    much love, evie x

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  6. I read this blog post a while ago, which I thought of when I read your post, and I even managed to find it! http://www.scoutiegirl.com/2010/05/stuck-fear-depression.html

    I'm going to agree with Colleen – ups and downs are part of life. Something about needing the bad to appreciate the good. I've had my share of downs this year, and at times have felt quite low. Nearly every single time I feel really down, I am also tired, and often feel better the next day after a good nights sleep. So I'm crossing my fingers all those ups are coming my way!

    I didn't have a lot of money when I travelled, I think sometimes I reinvented travelling on a shoestring. I didn't get to do all the things I would have liked to do, but just being there was pretty cool, and well worth it.

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  7. Yup life can be overwhelming (remember also we've just been dealing with a bunch of freakin earthquakes - the not-so-solid ground is effecting me and my loveones in subtle ways still. And I feel you on the parents thing - mine split when I was 3 - thats 31 years of letting someone down on Christmas Day. In that time they have only occupied the same room twice - my wedding and my 21st. Parents are stupid. Be brave and have an 'orphan's Christmas' with your friends this year, it will be really nice, promise.

    Go travel I say. Jack the job, pack heaps of stock into your pack and book a one-way to Canada. All you need is enough money for a return flight and say 3 weeks of eating. You'll find a casual job so you can save for the next 'leg' of your travels and you'll find galleries and shops to take your stock along the way. You will. This is 'take the leap and the net will appear' thinking, it is liberating and an amazing way of physically and emotionally decluttering your life - you have only what you can carry on your back, your concerns are more basic needs like food and shelter - it frees your mind to working out what is important to you, what your next step might be.

    I don't think your crazy or depressed either, just dissatisfied with your life at times - I think your subconcious has ways of expressing things you don't want to admit or are too afraid to face - well thats how it works for me anyway. Definately sounds like you are working towards a 'seachange' and that's a good thing! (How's that for perspective?)

    Hugs- you'll work it out. N x

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  8. Wow, a huge, heartfelt THANKS to everyone who has commented on this post! I didn't really expect anyone to read it all, but you all have very good ideas and advice.

    As with the up and down thing, today I am feeling much better. It probably helps that it's Friday of course. It's comforting to know everyone has those days, and I hope me writing this has made some of you not feel so alone too. I definately love life and love MY life.

    I just worry sometimes that I'll get to the end of my life and think 'what the hell was I thinking?', or not have 'lived' as much as I would have liked too. Of course, the flip-side of that is that every experience (good and bad) makes us who we are, and as you've all pointed out, you have to have the bad to make the good good.

    Colleen - I watched that wee video and yes, it speaks to me too. He is a very inspirational man, with a wise and wonderful philosophy.

    Ali - I prescribe to that theory too - that everything will be all right / everything will work out in the end, and you know what... it always does. :)

    Tash - Yip, you do sound a little like a self-help novel, ha ha! But they are all wise words. Maybe I'll take a break, at least from Freedom Creative after Christmas.

    Sarah - Thanks for the offer hun, you're a super sweetie. It's nice to have that from someone I'm not that 'close' too, it can make it easier to talk honestly.

    Evie - That quote "We must absolutely do what we love or we risk doing nothing at all" is awesome. I think I'll print it out and put it on my home office wall.

    Rose - Yip, I agree with you about sleep. I don't sleep well at all, so that could be a definate cause of irritation. I know you've had a roughish year, so when you read things like this from me, I hope I don't seem ungrateful or like I can't cope with small problems. I'm sure things will improve for you soon, you're intelligent, clever and a hard worker.

    Notchka - I'm lucky, my parents actually get on pretty well. We've had various family occasions since they split where they've both been there. It's actually not my parents I feel the most pressure from about being there on Christmas, it's one particular family member who just assumes I will be there. This year I'm only going to Dad's for a few days, so I'll also get to have a nice break with friends. Your travel advice is truely inspiring, but so damn scary! I guess I just need the confidence to do it.

    Take care. x

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  9. Hey, I read to the end too, I'm glad you are having a better day today. At least you have dreams that you want to make come true - and here it is still Thursday, I'm waiting for that friday feeling!
    : )

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  10. the ups woudln't seem so great if there weren't downs - I truly believe that if you have an active, creative, intelligent mind then sometimes you are going to feel really low because you have a developed sensitivity. Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and stare at the wall for a while, I suspect we all do it to a degree. Perhaps if we didn't spend so much time thinking things through too deeply... but then how boring would life be? I love this post - I think it's very brave to be so very open like this, and I know how hard that can be. Can completely relate to your unsurity about your craft, but it does largely pay off most of the time (that's a lot of sales on Felt!), and you get to put a part of yourself out there which is also very brave. Hope you are having a nice weekend x

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  11. Hi Emma, I read your post last week but have taken till now to comment. Which was probably silly as now many others have said what I was thinking! I love that you put yourself out there and I love that you received such warm, helpful responses. So because such sage and wonderful advice and experience has already been offered, I will just give one thought in the form of a quote I love - "Be True to yourself and all good will come" (I seem to remember this is a translation of a Chinese proverb). It of course means different things to different people but the essence is the same I think. Mel x

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Thanks for your comments, they make my day!
Em x